Monday, March 5, 2012

Misfire - Part Trois

This is the third and final post of the intuition - or lack thereof- series. This is chronologically the last in a quick succession of life events that have been, in laymen terms, pretty shitty.

Then there's work. As in, the place I spend most of my waking hours, that allows me to eat and be an artist at the same time. It's pretty well publicized that in December I was un-promoted from my HR position back to the front desk. A bummer for sure, but a helluvalot better than being demoted (the position just didn't have enough work to be full time) or worse, terminated.

But I think it's finally sinking in that I am never, ever going anywhere at my current company. They just don't see me as being fully capable.

I came to this realization last week, when we had our yearly meeting for all the managers in our company. I'm not usually invited, and I do little more than make name tags and track the RSVPs. This year (perhaps because the dinner was a buffet and not sit-down) the staff was also invited. And bless my dumb little heart, I thought that meant I was finally going to contribute something more significant than tent card place settings. My eye was especially on a project I've been heavily involved with: a Wellness Campaign. Now it's true that I haven't been involved with the budget, or with the initial decision to do the campaign. But since we've rolled it out, I've been the main point of contact for the whole deal, the figurehead if you will. Most of my task hours are related to it. It was my analysis that first pointed out that we needed managers to get more involved if we wanted the project to have any kind of visibility or traction with the employees. And wouldn't you know it, here we were with a meeting of all the managers coming up. Can you see where I'm going with this?

This is a great opportunity for a small presentation on the Wellness Campaign. And who better to do it than me? It's no secret at my office that I'm a performer--obviously adept at public speaking. And I'm very good at researching and organizing, as I've been told before. I even know how to make a mean power point. Well, my bosses thought a presentation was a great idea. But it didn't even remotely occur to them that I could do it. In fact, I wasn't even INVITED to the morning part of the meeting when the campaign was addressed. Later, of course, I was permitted to bring in the free lunch totes the insurance company had given us to pass out.

It really made realize that I've hit a professional wall. Women hold some powerful positions in my company; you wouldn't ever expect there to be a glass ceiling. I should've seen it earlier, when I was promoted to HR but still not taught most of the processes involved, or even entrusted with a key to the personnel files. I think I would have seen it earlier, if I hadn't been told again and again how great my work is, and how I have a rosy future here with the company. Yeah sure. A rosy future answering phones till I'm gray. I don't mind working for other people; it's actually my preferred style. But I like to be trusted with at least modicum of responsibility. I have a college degree, and I'm not an entry level worker anymore. I am capable of so much more than this.

So to recap. Had a great audition: not even a callback. Grad school: rejected. Work presentation: dream on. All this within a 10-day span. It wouldn't have been a wonder if I'd been depressed, but honestly, not until writing it all out today have I felt even mildly bummed. Maybe it's that same dulling of the senses that has made me, in each of these scenarios, a.) not very nervous, b.) not very upset at the result, and most significantly, c.) not very perceptive.

It's like in one of my favorite movies, The Last Unicorn (stop laughing). The unicorn has been disguised as a human for a while and has started to forget who she really is, even to the point of falling for a human man. The villian, able to sneak up on her when he never could before, remarks "love is slowing you down." And so it is for me. My love for Tennyson is so all-consuming that things that used to excruciatingly matter before no longer hold their power over me.

I'm sorry. This isn't a baby blog and it wasn't supposed to turn into a baby post. My purpose was to explore how my normally sharp intuition, my gut feeling which I normally trust with all my heart, could have been so utterly, terribly off on three separate occasions. But I believe in the redemptive power of love--all kinds of love--and its ability to save us. So if my gut is a little off, but I can still be at peace at the end of a long day of disappointments because I know I'm coming home to that little face who will light up like a beacon at first sight of me, I can't mourn the loss.

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